Sunday, May 3, 2015


Here's something that won't make any of my books. Enjoy.

One time when I arrived back to my New York office after yet another business conference, I was greeted with a list of job applicants that I had to do the final interviews with. Now, I admit that I hate doing interviews but I think that it's important for me to sign off on them because these people need to fit into our culture. Plus, my employees represent me so they need to be very good.

My crew is extremely multicultural. That's unfortunately tough to do in the tech and social media fields. I'm not sure why that is and I'm sure people smarter than myself have their theories. Despite the odds, I have managed to craft a great staff of people of all shapes, colors, and sexual persuasions. I look at it as a strength and I'm proud of that. This is why I do the final interviews myself, even if I do hate doing them.

The person who did the first interview was my human resources manager. She's a brunette, in her mid 30s, is very beautiful, and most importantly, extremely smart. Before you get any ideas, no, we haven't slept together. Vera is the daughter of one of my closest friends and like a kid sister to me. She went to Columbia and probably could've gotten a job anywhere. I'm lucky to have her.

We had 10 applicants scheduled. I did 5 in the morning, followed by 4 hours of breaks for lunch  and work, followed by the rest later in the afternoon. The morning applicants were pretty good. I felt I would probably grab 2 people from that group but decided it couldn't hurt to interview the other applicants. I made some business calls, had a meeting to firm up a project, then broke for lunch.

After lunch, I had a few minutes so I decided to go wash up in our public restroom since it was closer to our conference room, where I was running the interviews from. When I went in there, there were 2 guys at the urinals taking care of their business and having a conversation about sports and being in the city.

Then, their talking took an unfortunate turn for them. One guy asked the other guy who did their first interview. "Oh, the HR bitch" the other guy said. "Her? That bitch looks like she's a mudshark" the first guy shot back. "She probably fucks half the niggers here. I gave her some bullshit in my interview. Had the bitch eating out of my hands. We''re both gonna ace this".

About this time, I'm heated. First off, nobody calls someone I know a bitch unless it's in bed. Second, for those not in the know, a mudshark is a white woman who dates black men mainly because she has low self esteem. Basically, it's one of the new ways for people to be racist. I was about to tell these guys who I was and to get out when they noticed that I was there, turned their attention to me and doubled down on their stupidity.

"Hey buddy, do you know which way to the interviews?"  I paused for a second, formulating a response, then hit upon a more appropriate response. "Yeah, I think you go down the hall to the right and see the receptionist" I said. "Cool, thanks. Are you interviewing, too?" "Uh, yeah. Hope I do well. I'm kind of nervous. I hear the owner's a tough interview". The other guy then chimes in. "I wouldn't worry about it. You''re not gonna get it." I acted surprised. "Really? Why not?" The guy laughed and said"  because we''re grabbing the last 2 spots but...uh...good luck acing it, old man" and with that, they both laughed and left.

Now, if there's one group of people that I ha've never liked, it's frat boy alpha males. They used to torment me during grade school and college. I''ll be damned if I'm going to hire guys with that type of personality. Besides, calling me an old man may be sort of true but to these idiots, anyone over the age of 30 was probably old. Time to teach these stupid young bucks a lesson.

I finished washing my face, then went to the nearest phone with an intercom switch and called the front desk. "Simone, I just sent 2 guys your way for interviews. Do me a favor. Take the both of them to the conference room and tell them to sit there for a few minutes. After you do that, call Vera and tell her I need her immediately in my office. Oh and call building security and tell them I need Bryan in my office immediately."

I went to my office and waited a few minutes. Vera came in first, followed by Bryan about a minute later. With the both of them in the room, I told them what happened in the bathroom. Vera apologized profusely. I stopped her. "It's not your fault. I'm sure that they would've done a great interview with me, too. I want you guys to come into the conference room with me. Vera, you introduce me, then I'll go in and Bryan, when I mention your name towards the end, unleash the hounds, but try not to kill." Bryan sighed a reserved sigh. "Understood" Bran fumed.

I could tell Bryan was itching for a fight but I couldn't let him destroy these idiots. First off, Bryan's the head of building security. Second, the guy is huge. He used to play professional football until his knees gave way. Third, I got him the job and don't want him getting arrested. Fourth and most important, he's also Vera's big brother and I knew what he would do to those kids; not that I was against the kids getting the beat down that they deserved; just not on property.

We walked down to the room where the applicants were waiting. Vera entered into the room first. "Gentlemen" she said, the owner will be in to interview the both of you at the same time." "Wow. We must have made an impression" one of them said. "Oh yeah, you made quite an impression on all of us." I could tell by the tone of Vera's voice that she was about to unleash her own brand of Hell upon these guys. I decided it was time to go in, before Vera tore them apart.

I opened the door, let Bryan in first, then followed. "Here's our owner now" Vera said and pointed in my direction. As I walked past the two guys, I looked down at them, glaring. The look of utter shock, followed by the realization that they screwed up was priceless. I honestly wish I had a camera with me. No matter. The lesson I would teach would have to do.

I walked to my seat across from the kids and sat down. I stared at my suddenly scared quarry, shrugged my shoulders, and said "guess the old man aced the interview, huh?" No response; just some befuddled looks, like they were trying to find words to get them out of their situation. I figured the time was right to lower the boom.

"What?! Before, in the bathroom, you were talking all kinds of shit! Now, no pearls of wisdom coming from your lips?! No snappy comebacks?!" No response again; just guilty faces. "Well. gentlemen, this is going to be a very quick interview. In fact, you should look at this as a learning experience. See, you made what I see as 4 mistakes. Your first was talking shit, not knowing who was listening. Your second was calling someone a mudshark, figuring that someone older than 30 wouldn't know what that was. By the way, I do know what it is!! Your third was talking shit to who you thought was another applicant. You never, EVER do that!

See, here in MY company, we don't call anyone a mudshark, bitch, cunt, nigger or any other derogatory name you can think. You ain't home, son! Now, if you guys were real men, you would apologize to Vera right now. Since I know that you're not real men, though, and you're just a couple of pretty boy pussies that don't know any better, this interview is over."

I got up, turned, and walked towards the door. Then, I paused and turned towards the boys, who had their heads down. "Oh, I almost forgot your fourth mistake. Your fourth was talking shit about a woman without knowing who her brother was." I motioned towards Bryan. "This big wall of muscle here is my security guy. Three guesses as to who else he is." Both fellas' faces then turned ghost white. "Her brother?", One said sheepishly. "See? You've already learned from a mistake, but much too late to save you now. You still want to get into her pants, you have to go through him first...and good luck with that. He's going to escort you out of the building; rather painfully, I'm afraid. Sucks to be you guys. Enjoy what's left of your soon-to-be very painful day. Oh, sorry, did I also mention that Vera's a third degree black belt? Must've slipped my mind."

I turned back towards the door and walked out of the room. All I heard afterwards were voices screaming and furniture being thrown; mainly furniture, according to Vera. Then, as I got back to my office, I looked out of the window and saw two guys limping out of the building; their clothes disheveled and bloodied. Vera and Bryan told me later that they just scared the poor guys and that they got their clothes caught on the doorknob as they were trying to get out of the room. I decided not to ask any more questions. After all, the guys deserved whatever Vera and Bryan gave them.

No comments: